The Smart Couple Podcast

The feeling of being lost and purposeless in life has a big impact on our relationships.  Men and women have a deep need to not only connect with each other, but connect to a bigger meaning in their life.

Satyen Raja is an expert at helping us develop the higher levels of purpose & evolution in our lives - and this affects everything from our work, our relationships with our partners & kids, our fitness and our level of satisfaction with our lives.

His '4 freedoms' is an extremely useful exercise to helping you keep your eye on your highest self - especially if we're suffering in feeling lost and without direction.

This episode, largely geared toward the men, will challenge you and give you a toolkit that dramatically increase your relationship and life satisfaction if you apply them - listen carefully for the exercises and grab a notebook, because these ones are important.

SHOW NOTES

• How to create a relationship where both partners are learning from and inspiring one another [13:00]
• Satyen's number one thing he's learned as a man in relationship to his wife [15:00]
• Men & women triggering each other & how to deal with both [17:00]
• How men can listen better in conflict without being a 'doormat' [18:00]
• A martial arts technique to calm down when you're triggered [19:00]
• The "4 freedoms"  for accelerated evolution and higher purpose [22:00]
• A 10min exercise men can do to bring more presence to their partner [30:00]
• How to move toward more meaning in life [43:00]
• Satyen's "Accelerated Evolution" trauma-release technique [49:00]
• Satyen's advice for men who are stuck or lost in life  [61:00]

Is there a difference between therapy and coaching? In this episode, I explore the main differences and what matters more than anything else when trying to find a good therapist or coach to help you through your relationship challenges.

SHOWNOTES

• Where should you go for relationship advice? [2:00]
• The difference between a psychiatrist, a psychologist, and a psychotherapist [4:00]
• Why do some coaches charge more than therapists? [10:00]
• Good coaching vs bad coaching [11:00]
• How bad therapy can keep you stuck [13:00]
• When should you go to a therapist and when should you go to a coach? [16:00]

There are two giant ways we screw up our relationships. One is by breaking agreements. The other is by never having agreements to begin with.   Broken agreements can be great opportunities to open a dialogue with our partner about our needs, renegotiate our agreements if they no longer make sense, or even draw a hard boundary around what we will and won’t tolerate.   But what happens when we never have agreements to begin with? Expecting our partner to do, be and act a certain way without clearly communicating is a recipe for an almost certain 'sh*t hitting the fan’ fight.  

In this conversation with Christine Hassler, we dive into the world of agreements, communication and what she calls ‘expectation hangovers’.

Here are a few of the highlights:

SHOWNOTES

• Christine’s story [7:00]
• How beliefs ingrained early in childhood can show up as physiological symptoms later [10:00]
• What depression can tell us about suppressed or repressed emotions [10:00]
• What Christine calls “Journey Mates” (and why not all break-ups are a bad thing) [12:00]
• Exercises for self-compassion and self-awareness [17:00]
• The difference between Agreements and Expectations [23:00]
• How to handle broken agreements in relationship [25:00]
• How to handle it when your partner doesn’t meet your expectations [25:00]
• What is an “Expectation Hangover”? [26:00]
• What we DON’T want to do when dealing with an Expectation Hangover [28:00]

Dealing with a partner who is triggered can be difficult - especially if they respond negatively to your help.

Maybe you’ve been here before: your partner is upset about something, you do your best to give them some encouraging words or to calm them down, but no matter what you do, your partner’s gets more and more upset (or worse... now upset with you for trying to help).

If you’ve ever been in this situation before and want to know how to prevent it, this episode is for you.

QUESTION:
How do we re-parent our partner, and meet them in regressive child-like states when they are triggered without infantilizing them? I find when I go into nurturing mode when my partner is triggered, he often responds with aggression, I think in part because it feels emasculating or patronizing, or possibly because he doesn’t feel lovable in those moments.
- Caitlin

SHOWNOTES

• Caitlin’s question [4:00]
• Why do men get triggered when you try to help them? [5:00]
• How to take care of your man without him feeling emasculated [6:00]
• Learning how to help each other when you’re triggered [7:00]
• What to do when your partner responds to your support with aggression [10:00]

A major shift is happening with the way we educate young adults about relationships and sex.  Despite what we hear in the media about the 'hookup culture,' the majority of young adults are very interested in learning about relationships and long-term partnerships.

Alexandra Solomon is paving the way in the academic world, educating both students and adults in the all-important long-term relationship game.  If you're a parent or a teacher, this is a great episode to listen to.  You'll get a sense of what the important topics, conversations and areas that young adults are wanting to know about when it comes to relationships.

SHOWNOTES

• Alexandra's story [3:00]
• Exploring the lessons you learned in childhood [13:00]
• How to talk to students about sex and relationships [18:00]
• Teaching young adults to shift from 'performance-based' sex to connection-based sex [20:00]

Do you have a friend or partner telling you to listen to this podcast?  Don't know where to start and feel pressured to get 'up to speed'?  This episode is for you.

SHOWNOTES

• Should you listen to this podcast? [1:00]
• Why you SHOULD be skeptical [2:00]
• How to show your partner that you care about the relationship in your own way [5:00]

There’s been a surge in alternative, traditional methods to healing our deepest wounds. One of the main approaches that has gained popularity here in America is the use of the traditional South American brew, Ayahuasca, in guided ceremonies.

Dr Gabor Maté, renowned addiction expert, and writer, is back for a second conversation to discuss the benefits & cautions to using Ayahuasca. In this conversation, we also discuss many natural (non-medicinal) methods to healing trauma through the power of present-moment awareness practices, safe relationships and creating space for healing.

Here are a few of the highlights:

SHOWNOTES

• Where Western medicine succeeds & fails [11:00]
• What traditional rituals can teach us about healing [13:00]
• How Ayahuasca works and why it’s used [16:00]
• Finding the roots of our trauma [29:00]
• Dealing with trauma using present-moment awareness [32:00]
• Why we need to create space in our lives for healing and rest [38:00]

How often do you find yourself wanting to ask for something in your relationship - more communication, more time & attention, more touch - only to find yourself holding back out of fear?
Expressing (or confessing) our needs can feel scary and edgy.  If it's a 'non-negotiable need' it's easy to feel like you're threatening the relationship with an ultimatum: "I need this or I'm out".

S0 do you hold back, hoping your partner will come around on their own (and getting more resentful when they don't)? Or do you bring your needs to the table and cross your fingers, hoping it all goes well?

This episode will teach you how to get your needs met, without feeling  you're making a threat to the relationship.

QUESTION 
You speak of stating and sticking by your Non-Negotiable Needs, but you also say to never threaten to walk away from the relationship. So how do you stick up for yourself and your NNN's without the threat of walking away hanging around in the background -- isn't it implied that you'll be leaving if your NNN's aren't met? I am missing how to do this properly.
THANK YOU for your help and for clearing this up!
-Jessica

SHOWNOTES

• Does having needs make you ‘needy’? [1:00]
• Communicating your needs to your partner in a non-threatening way [3:00]
• When your needs aren’t compatible with your partner’s [6:00]
• Getting your needs met without threatening the relationship [7:00]
• When you have a need for more communication and connection than he can give you [8:00]
• Your action step [9:30]

Finally about the real research that backs up the mission of The Relationship School®. Not only are teens NOT being educated about romantic relationships, but 70% of teens and young adults are WANTING more help and guidance around their love relationships. This is outstanding news because it's been a major void. In this episode, I speak with lead researcher Richard Weissbourd about his 5-year study with over 3000 teens and young adults on romantic relationships. If you are a parent, or want to be one, this is a must listen.

SHOWNOTES

• How love evolves over the course of a relationship (and why that’s a good thing) [9:00]
• Why relationships aren’t being taught in school [14:00]
• The truth about teen hookup culture [20:00]
• Learning to talk about relationships and sex with our kids [23:00]
• Why it’s important to challenge misconceptions about romantic love [25:00]

QUESTION
My husband’s parents have told me in the past (to them it’s funny) about how harsh they were with him as a baby and as a young child. This might explain why when our newborn has meltdowns he sometimes gets frustrated to the point of telling her to 'shut up' and at times handling her a little rougher than I feel comfortable with. I understand where my husband is coming from, given his past, but I refuse to allow my daughter to grow up with that kind of treatment or to allow her to be his experiment as he learns how to manage his hurt and frustration.

 How can I approach my husband with concerns about how he treats our child?
- Christina in South Florida

SHOWNOTES

• When your partner crosses the ‘safety’ line with your child [1:00]
• The tricky game of setting boundaries in parenting [3:00]
• If your partner is unwilling to change their parenting style [5:00]
• What to do when you’ve reached your emotional limit with persistent tantrums [6:00]