Therapy Chat | Psychotherapy | Mindfulness | Trauma | Attachment | Worthiness | Self Care | Parenting

Welcome to episode 94 of the Therapy Chat Podcast with host Laura Reagan, LCSW-C. My guest this week is Deirdre Fay, MSW, LICSW, who integrates trauma and attachment theory with yoga and meditation in embodiment. She is also the founder of the Becoming Safely Embodied Skills and maintains a private practice in Arlington, MA.

The work she does arises out of her life. What she knows is grounded in her own healing as well as rigorous training as a psychotherapist looking for answers and ways to help others navigate the often-difficult terrain of healing trauma and attachment wounds.

Deirdre knows what it’s like to make that journey. She did it dealing with her own history of trauma and as she searched for answers to relational and attachment issues. During the course of her life, she was lucky to have lived for six years in a spiritual community [Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health] which surrounded her with a nurturing environment. That experience grounded Deirdre in her commitment to finding ways to help other people.

The Becoming Safely Embodied Skills were born during those years and came to fruition as she worked with trauma survivors in Boston both in her private practice and in hospital settings. She wanted to develop easy to apply take home skills that people could use when they weren’t in therapy.

Resources

https://dfay.com

Register for Equine/Daring Way™ Retreats here: https://www.laurareaganlcswc.com/retreats-1/

Thank you for listening to Therapy Chat! Please be sure to go to iTunes and leave a rating and review, subscribe and download episodes. Http://therapychatpodcast.com 

Laura recaps on common themes that have emerged throughout previous episodes and also talks further about equine-assisted therapy and the benefits of spending times with horses.

Now 44 years old, Laura is more determined than ever to increase the amount of time she spends with horses, whilst her body has changed quite a bit since she first rode a horse when she was 13, it's safe to say that her heart hasn't changed much, if at all, as she learned through this experience.

Thank you for listening to Therapy Chat! Please be sure to go to iTunes and leave a rating and review, subscribe and download episodes. Http://therapychatpodcast.com 

Welcome to episode 92 of the Therapy Chat Podcast with host Laura Reagan, LCSW-C. My guest this week is Jasmin Lee Cori, who speaks to me about emotionally absent mothers and the affects of childhood emotional neglect.

Jasmin became a therapist at the tender age of 24 and didn’t last long, as might be expected for someone who had yet to do her own healing work. When she reached 40, she uncovered childhood trauma, which began her journey of descent. She was a student of The Diamond Approach at that time, a spiritual school conversant with the intertwining of psychological and spiritual work. She was discovering her deeper essence at the same time she was dropping into dark places she hadn’t known were there; so during that time heaven and hell were unfolding simultaneously.

This continued, with yet deeper dips into both. She lost her voice, job and suffered significant health challenges and financial struggle. Yet in the midst of being flattened, sick in bed, she midwifed a book of mystical poetry in a matter of months.

Since she is a writer whose personal experience deeply informs her work, the result of this descent was authoring two books that changed her life: Healing from Trauma and The Emotionally Absent Mother. These books were healing not only for her but for tens of thousands who have read them.

Resources

http://www.jasmincori.com

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Welcome to episode 91 of the Therapy Chat Podcast with host Laura Reagan, LCSW-C. My guest this week is Chonteau McElvin, who has been described as modern day medicine woman.

Chonteau wears many hats but her main reason for being on the planet is to assist in the awakening and remembrance that we are all connected and the time to step into our brilliance is now. In her early 20’s she received a vision and was told by Spirit that she was a teacher and healer of the old ways. This is when her modern day Shamanic training began. She completed her formal education as a Social Worker, followed in the footsteps of her father and became a Naturalist. At 20, her father taught her how to do self-hypnotism and she began to hone her skills as a Mindfulness Practition er, Folk Healer, and Herbalist.

For as long as she can remember she has been giving to others. As a child, she remembers being a volunteer for Meals on Wheels, she served lunch to “at risk” children. The spirit of service was instilled in her at an early age. What was not instilled in her, was the spirit of self-care. When tough times arrived, she did not know how to navigate her way through it. She did not know what it meant to take care of herself.

Twelve years ago, when she suffered major personal losses, she was forced to evaluate her self-care and spiritual practices, and something amazing happened, she put “spirituality into action” and soul self-care became a way of life. She wishes she could tell you life transitions are easier when you are a Lightworker or Alternative Healer, when in fact, our need for soul nourishment is greater because of all we give. For those of us who are constantly giving to others, there does not always seem to be a safe place to our deep soul work. This can leave us feeling frustrated, fragmented and lonely, which equates to, an inability to be fully present with our clients, families and most importantly ourselves.

Resources

http://chonteau.com

Therapy Chat EP04 with Chonteau

Welcome to episode 90 of the Therapy Chat Podcast with host Laura Reagan, LCSW-C. In this week's episode, I speak to Margot Borden about psychospiritual therapy, combining eastern approaches and western psychology and find out more about her new book “psychology in the light of the east”.

Margot Borden has been working internationally as a psychotherapist since 1986 and specializes in an approach called Integral Psychotherapy. Read more about Integral Psychotherapy.

Margot completed her first personal development training in 1985 and began her professional psychotherapy practice in 1986. In addition to earning a Master of Arts in Humanistic Counseling at the University of Durham, UK, Margot continues to participate in professional training and certification programs.

Margot has a long-term dedication to personal and professional exploration of the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual aspects of human consciousness. Her search involves ongoing exploration and experience of many psychological and spiritual traditions, experiential therapies as well as Eastern meditation and yogic techniques. Her success in helping clients is the result of her integrated understanding and application.

Resources

http://margotborden.com

https://www.amazon.com/Psychology-Light-Margot-Esther-Borden/dp/1442260262

Visit Therapy Chat website at Http://therapychatpodcast.com and send host Laura Reagan a voice message letting her know what you think of Therapy Chat! Did you like this episode? Did you dislike it? Let her know!

Thank you for listening to Therapy Chat! Please be sure to go to iTunes and leave a rating and review, subscribe and download episodes.

Welcome to episode 89 of the Therapy Chat Podcast with host Laura Reagan, LCSW-C. In this week's episode, I’m delighted to welcome back Lisa Ferentz who speaks to me about her new book Finding Your Ruby Slippers: Transformative Life Lessons from the Therapist which looks at how you can overcome everyday obstacles, boost confidence, and end self-critical thoughts with simple life lessons.

Lisa is a recognized expert in the strengths-based, depathologized treatment of trauma and has been in private practice for 32 years. She presents workshops and keynote addresses nationally and internationally, and is a clinical consultant to practitioners and mental health agencies in the United States, Canada, and the UK.

She has been an Adjunct Faculty member at University of Maryland School of Social Work, University of Baltimore at Maryland, University of Maryland Department of Family Medicine, and is the Founder of The Ferentz Institute, formerly known as The Institute for Advanced Psychotherapy Training and Education, now going into its tenth year of providing continuing education to mental health professionals and graduating over 800 clinicians from her two Certificate Programs in Advanced Trauma Treatment.

In 2009, she was voted the “Social Worker of Year” by the Maryland Society for Clinical Social Work. Lisa is the author of Treating Self-Destructive Behaviors in Traumatized Clients: A Clinician’s Guide, now in its second edition, and Letting Go of Self-Destructive Behaviors: A Workbook of Hope and Healing. Her next book, “Finding Your Ruby Slippers: Transformative Life Lessons from the Therapist’s Couch,” will be out in January 2017. Lisa hosted a weekly radio talk show in 2014—2015. She writes for Psychologytoday.com and publishes her own blog. You can follow Lisa’s work on Facebook, LinkedIn, and Twitter.

Resources

https://www.theferentzinstitute.com

https://www.amazon.com/Finding-Your-Ruby-Slippers-Transformative/dp/1683730429

Visit Therapy Chat website at Http://therapychatpodcast.com and send host Laura Reagan a voice message letting her know what you think of Therapy Chat! Did you like this episode? Did you dislike it? Let her know!

Thank you for listening to Therapy Chat! Please be sure to go to iTunes and leave a rating and review, subscribe and download episodes.

Welcome to episode 88 of the Therapy Chat Podcast with host Laura Reagan, LCSW-C. In this week's episode, I speak to Stephanie Macadaan, LMFT about how we can turn some of the most negative experiences in our lives to a source of strength, the need to not shield ourselves from negative experiences and stepping out of our comfort zones to further our personal growth.

Stephanie Macadaan, is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, providing individual and couples counseling in Los Angeles, California. She first became interested in studying psychology when many of her own life experiences fueled her fascination with the minds and behaviors found with each of us. Through her studies, she found she was on the path to discovering herself, which led to great personal growth and more happiness.

The profound changes she underwent drove her passion to help others, and she was compelled to become a therapist. She knows from her own experience what it’s like to be open and to create powerful change that reverberates into all areas of your life.

She's drawn to working with people starting anew, whether it’s getting your feet back on the ground after a break-up or together with your partner trying to decide the future of your relationship or find each other again.

Resources

https://therapywithstephanie.com

Visit Therapy Chat website at Http://therapychatpodcast.com and send host Laura Reagan a voice message letting her know what you think of Therapy Chat! Did you like this episode? Did you dislike it? Let her know!

Thank you for listening to Therapy Chat! Please be sure to go to iTunes and leave a rating and review, subscribe and download episodes.

Some points to ponder if you are struggling to let go.

What was it like for you to move out of your parents’ home and into adulthood? Did you go to college? Did you live with your parents past the age of 18? When were you ready to move out? Were your parents ready for you to go before you were ready? Or were you ready to go before your parents wanted you to leave?

Individuation is a developmental task every young adult must complete in order to become an independent and self sufficient adult. Some families discourage individuation by refusing to allow children and adolescents to express their own individuality. Conformity is highly valued and dissent is not tolerated. These parent/child relationships can be described as enmeshed, when the child and the parent are not felt to be independent people, but rather the children are seen by the parents as an extension of the parents. When you make a mistake, I feel ashamed that you have embarrassed the family. Some kids rebel and express themselves through their appearance. The parents may believe that everyone should wear khaki pants and navy blue shirts and have traditional hairstyles, but the child wants to dress in all black with long purple hair and a safety pin through his lip.  Parents may see this as disrespectful and a power struggle escalates to the point where the child is kicked out of the house by the time they are 18, if not earlier. Do you know how to allow your child to leave home with grace and joy, rather than a big fight? If your parents were angry at you for wanting to be an independent adult, you might react the same way towards your kid without even realizing it.

Have you allowed your child opportunities to make mistakes? To experience failure? Or have you taken care of everything and made sure your child wouldn’t have the opportunity to screw up? If they did screw up (as most of us do at some point as teenagers) did you make it all better for them or did they have to experience the consequences of their actions?  We can help them with how they feel about such experiences, being supportive and allowing them to express their emotions, but if we intervene to the point that they don’t feel the consequences at all, they miss out on the chance to learn from the mistake. Maybe you didn’t take care of everything so they wouldn’t have the opportunity to screw up, but rather you were careful to control every situation so the possibility of failure just didn’t come up. So what happens when they inevitably do face failure? It is painful, no doubt. We want to protect our children from experiencing pain. But can we trust that we have raised them well enough that they will be able to handle adversity and that they can live through painful experiences, even though they may hate every minute of it? Because there is literally no way we can protect our children from every painful experience. It just isn’t possible.

What was it like for you when you went out on your own? Did you struggle? Did bad things happen? What kind of healing work have you done to address the pain of those struggles?  If you are terrified that what happened to you will happen to your child, it might be a good time to get some therapy.  It’s normal to feel this way, but if it’s interfering with YOU being okay, therapy can help. 

I realized when my oldest child went to college (and it is coming up again as I am about to send my daughter off to school) that it pretty much drove me crazy not to know what my kid was doing all the time. Not seeing them daily and being able to look into their eyes and sense whether they are okay or not felt like a loss of control. I didn’t realize how much I needed to feel in control in that way until I lost the ability to see my oldest daily. So I worried, and worried, and worried, and monitored social media, and worried and worried and waited and waited for something bad to happen. My child would tell me he was okay but I didn’t know if he really was. I tried to hide my anxiety from him but I was a ball of nerves, as any of my friends can tell you, for the entire first semester he was at college. I think I finally calmed down at Thanksgiving and it felt great when he came home for winter break. How stressful it must have been for him to have his mother so anxious!!! He might have wondered if he would be okay since I seemed to be so worried about it. Or maybe he worried about taking care of my emotions. Or felt burdened by them. I had something I needed to take care of, because this was a lot harder for me than it needed to be. There were some 18 to 20 year old parts of me that needed attention. Instead of obsessing about my son, I turned my attention inward and got help to deal with my emotions. Most of us therapists go to therapy off and on throughout our adult lives, whenever something flares up that needs attention. This is how I have grown so much personally and professionally over the past 15 years or so (and I still have a long way to go!). It helped a lot. And it is helping now as I struggle with letting go of my daughter. New awarenesses are awakening for me. Just when I thought I had it all figured out!

You know, it’s funny, when you have been a parent for 20 years you get really used to the reality that you can’t just go and do what you want because there are people who are depending on you to come home, make sure they get fed, be there for them physically and emotionally, help them when they need it. If you had the thought that you wanted to go out to dinner with friends after work and maybe have some drinks, you would need to make arrangements for someone to take care of the kids, or, if they are old enough to stay home alone, you’d need to make sure they have something to eat for dinner, that they are on top of their homework, and that they know when you’ll be back. 

It’s a real shift in identity when you are not defined by being “Mom.” I know I am a mother, wife, therapist, friend, student learning to ride horses, a dog’s best friend…but the role of parent has been so big and important for the last 20 years that I will need some time to adjust to having that role take up less of my physical, mental and emotional energy.

So where I am right now is that I am experiencing being home with my husband this week, with no kids, and we can do what we want. We can go where we want, when we want, with no one to consider but each other and ourselves. This is because right now my youngest is off at the beach with friends all week and my oldest is away at college, and he isn’t coming home this summer.  So I can do what I want. So what is that? Mostly we are going to work and back. I have always had hobbies and interests, but the easiest thing to do is to work. So I don’t want to overwork because while that may be my go-to, it’s not good for me. I don’t really watch that much TV…I can read, but not a work related book….what would I like to do? If I really check in with myself what I want to do, what feels right to do is wait. And worry. Until my kid comes home, hopefully all in one piece.  Just wait, suspended animation. I’ll be right here so if something happens I can spring into action. Even though she is not close enough for me to do anything if she does have a problem, at least not immediately. That is what I want to do. I’ll be right over here, waiting and worrying. You may see me wringing my hands and pacing, just ignore it. However, that is really not what I should do either. So far my two choices seem to be overwork or obsessive worry. Okayyyyyyy….there’s got to be something else. Well it’s too late to go to the gym but I can do that tomorrow morning. That will help, I know this. Then tomorrow night after work, uhhhh….I had some good ideas about fun things to do when my daughter goes to college, but right now I can’t remember any of them. Just this worry.

What I don’t want to do is sit with the discomfort. One of my least favorite things, sitting with uncertainty, is something I try to avoid by distracting myself. I know we all do this. It’s uncomfortable so we avoid it. I am really good at doing this by filling all of my time up so there is no time in between to feel. I could keep myself from feeling almost all the time this week if I stay busy enough but I don’t want that. I do want to feel. I don’t know if my daughter will be okay at college. I don’t know if my son will be okay either. I don’t know anything that is going to happen, if I’m being honest. We don’t know. We don’t have any control. Fear of the unknown can drive our behavior if we aren’t paying attention.

So now I remember what I need to do. First, take a deep breath in, then breathe out. Then do it again. Repeat a few more times. Everything automatically feels better when I do that. I have to remind myself because when anxiety is taking over I forget. I could reach out to a supportive friend. I have many – a perk of being a therapist. Therapists for friends.  There is something else that I can remind myself. I ask myself, “what can I control?” The answer is, I can control me. I can’t control situations my daughter and son will encounter or how they feel. But I can control taking care of me and how I feel. If I attend to my emotions then I can remain calm and centered (or return to that state) in stressful situations. My kids will be able to trust me, and they will be able to come to me for help when things inevitably happen. They can trust that I will be able to handle my own emotions so they won’t have to put aside their own feelings to take care of mine. It’s always been important that my kids not feel like it is their responsibility to take care of my emotions.

There is no question that I am happy that my daughter graduated. I am so proud of her and she has an amazing future ahead of her. She needs to do this, it is what she should do, and what we have hoped for her. So I need to take care of me so I can be present for her. You can do the same with your young person transitioning to adulthood. Here’s an easy shortcut. Start out with your feet on the floor, close your eyes or look down and take a long deep inhale. Exhale slowly. Repeat the long inhale. Then exhale slowly. One more long deep inhale. Exhale slowly. Now, turn your attention inward. In your mind, ask yourself what you are feeling. Tune in to that emotion, even if you don’t like what it is. See if you can allow that feeling instead of trying to push it away. Breathe into it. Just be with that. Next, in your mind, ask yourself “what do I need right now?” and notice what comes up. It may be a word, a feeling, a person that comes to mind. Once you get an answer for what you need, consider if there is a way to give it to yourself. It can be so comforting to simply place a hand on your heart and feel the warmth of it resting there. Or to take your right hand and place it on your left arm, just below the shoulder and rub. Doing this does not change what is, but it allows some space to have a different perspective about what’s happening. In that space there is an opportunity for self compassion.

The point that I hope you are taking away from this is simple. Our feelings about our children growing up are normal, and they are not about the child. The difficulty I am having adjusting to my daughter leaving in a few months is not really about her, it’s about me. She is doing her normal developmental task. I am grieving the loss of childhood, the loss of daily in person connection, and anticipating pain that hasn’t happened yet. Maybe it won’t happen. Most likely it won’t happen in the exact way that I’m worrying it will happen. But I am really grieving my own experiences that maybe I didn’t deal with the first time around because I wasn’t ready in terms of my emotional development at the time.  Now it is time to take care of that younger me.

And one thing I know is that this uncomfortable place I am in is part of the process of me coming to terms with what is. I don’t like feeling this way, but part of the path from where I was to where I will be is this part. I don’t like it, I want it to go away, but you can’t skip the middle part. Later this month I will post a bonus episode on the subject of rising up out of the muck, that messy middle part of life that we don’t enjoy but which makes it richer and helps us grow. As they say, everything you want in life happens outside of your comfort zone.

And if you are struggling with the change in identity as your kids grow older, consider getting some counseling! It really helps. If you’re in the Baltimore area visit my website laurareaganlcswc.com to find out about working with me or another therapist in my office.

Resources

http://www.therapychatpodcast.com

Daring Greatly by Brené Brown

Rising Strong by Brené Brown

Self Compassion by Kristin Neff

Visit Therapy Chat website at Http://therapychatpodcast.com and send host Laura Reagan a voice message letting her know what you think of Therapy Chat! Did you like this episode? Did you dislike it? Let her know!

Thank you for listening to Therapy Chat! Please be sure to go to iTunes and leave a rating and review, subscribe and download episodes.

Welcome to episode 86 of the Therapy Chat Podcast with host Laura Reagan, LCSW-C. In this week's episode, I’m flying solo to talk about coping with loss during transitions, my thoughts and feelings and ways to improve how you feel through this transitional period in your life.  

This week is an exciting one for our family, as our oldest child graduates from high school in a few days. It's a joyful and exciting time - but there are some underlying feelings of sadness and loss which have caught me by surprise.  I know that many of you are experiencing a similar transition in the life of your family, as graduation and wedding season begin. I thought I'd share my thoughts and feelings, and how I'm coping with the changes, in hopes that it will be helpful to you, too.

As I've been eagerly anticipating his graduation I've been very proud and excited for my child. My thoughts are that this is a wonderful milestone in his life.  I'm so happy that he has successfully completed his high school career and that he plans to go to college in the Fall. I have high hopes for what this young man will accomplish as he matures. I am looking forward to seeing what he decides to do for his career after college. I know that this is a normal developmental process, in which my child will leave the nest to become a fully realized adult. Although it does not happen overnight with this event, this milestone is an extremely important rite of passage in our culture. I want him to move through this process, because it's what is right for him developmentally. But...he's my baby!

I knew something was wrong when I noticed that I didn't seem to have any feelings about the graduation. I actually felt kind of numb. I knew intellectually that I felt happy and excited and maybe a little sad because he won't be living at home with us for most of the next four years. But I didn't feel it. In fact I was telling myself that it is not time to feel sad yet, because graduation is a happy time, and going away to college is something that will happen later this summer, so I can feel it then. Ha ha! Joke's on me! 

Read the full show notes here - https://www.laurareaganlcswc.com/connectwithyourtrueselfblog/2015/5/24/letting-go-part-1

Resources

http://www.therapychatpodcast.com

http://therapynotes.com

Visit Therapy Chat website at Http://therapychatpodcast.com and send host Laura Reagan a voice message letting her know what you think of Therapy Chat! Did you like this episode? Did you dislike it? Let her know!

Thank you for listening to Therapy Chat! Please be sure to go to iTunes and leave a rating and review, subscribe and download episodes.

Welcome to episode 85 of the Therapy Chat Podcast with host Laura Reagan, LCSW-C. In this week's episode, I’m delighted to welcome back the first ever guest of the podcast; Mercedes Samudio who speaks to me about parent shaming, how culture plays into what we view is ok and not ok and the need to help parents and not label them as bad people.

Mercedes Samudio is a parent coach who supports parents and children to communicate with each other, manage emotional trauma, navigate social media and technology together, and develop healthy parent-child relationships. As a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with a private parent coaching practice, Mercedes has worked with adoptive families, foster families, teen parents, parents navigating the child protective services system, and children living with mental illness. Mercedes seeks to empower parents to believe that they are already great guides for raising healthy and happy children.

Being raised by someone who was not her biological mother (but who she called mom) really shaped how she saw myself, how she saw families, and how she saw parenting. And, it also put her on the path to figuring out how to support and heal families.

Whether you are a biological parent or not, being in a family system is complicated. As she healed her own relationship with her mother (a relationship she talks about in her book), and as she began to work with more and more families professionally, she realized that so many parents crumble under the pressure of being shamed, not knowing if they’re doing this parenting thing right, and struggling to connect with themselves and their children.

Resources

https://shameproofparenting.com

https://shameproofparenting.com/buybook

Visit Therapy Chat website at Http://therapychatpodcast.com and send host Laura Reagan a voice message letting her know what you think of Therapy Chat! Did you like this episode? Did you dislike it? Let her know!

Thank you for listening to Therapy Chat! Please be sure to go to iTunes and leave a rating and review, subscribe and download episodes.