The Love, Happiness and Success Podcast With Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Do you compare your life and your accomplishments to those of other people?

In this day and age it's harder than ever to trust your own ideas, believe in yourself, and actualize a self-directed vision.

Why? There are many forces at work in our culture that make us question whether we're measuring up. Not least of these is our consumption of social media -- the never-ending digital conveyor belt of information about all the amazing things our friends and acquaintances are doing with their lives, in vivid color. Vacations, milestones, weddings, births, and promotions are artfully showcased to enviable perfection. When you're constantly confronted with semi-histrionic proclamations about the magnificence of what other people are doing, your own life can feel less-than in comparison. (Listen to "Schadenfacebook" on The Hidden Brain Podcast.)

But when you're measuring yourself by someone else's yardstick, it takes a toll. For starters, it creates anxiety and insecurity. It can also lead you to begin crafting your life to garner the approval and admiration of others. When that happens, you become disconnected from your vision, your truth, and your personal power. When the positive affirmation of other people starts to feel really important, it can lead to a downward spiral in your feelings of intrinsic self worth.

Becoming overly focused on how you compare to others makes you vulnerable to all sorts of problems.

For example, you might find it increasingly hard to make decisions without second guessing yourself. It can feel hard to persist in the face of adversity when you're not certain about who you are, and what you want. When you need people to treat you a certain way so that you can feel okay about yourself, your relationships can suffer. You may feel increasingly out of touch with who you are, and what makes you authentically happy.

Worst yet, being other-focused may lead you to (ironically) become less able to create the kind of successful life you want... leading to even more anxiety and dissatisfaction with your current reality, and more dependent on the opinions of others to feel okay about yourself. (Check out "Why Gen Y Millenials Are So Unhappy" on the Wait But Why blog.)

Here's a poignant note on exactly this subject that I recently received from a listener of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast:

"Dear Dr. Lisa,

Recently I am trying to consciously make time to work on building cognitive skills and self awareness with the tips and lessons you share in your classes, blogs and podcasts, and also from feedback I get from [the coach I'm working with @ Growing Self.]

[Through my personal growth work] I found out that one of my unhealthy thinking habits is "comparing myself with others". I was comparing myself with my boyfriend, my friends, and this was so on "auto-pilot" most of the time, I wasn't even so aware about it.

Since I could always easily find what I was lacking when I did comparisons, it brought me many problems. I was always lacking confidence, I was always seeing proof of my shortcomings and reasons about why I shouldn't/counldn't do something, and I always struggled with anxiety and uneasiness. It was most painful when I felt inferior than others in things I value most. (Being compassionate, intelligent etc.)

Also, I realized that deep in my mind I used comparisons to feel good about myself, like comparing my achievements to others' and assuring myself that I'm doing great, which is maybe not so bad and what people naturally do, but it could make me feel guilty or empty at times.

I was in this unhealthy, unhelpful place for a very long time. I'm still working on this, but I felt very liberated after I learned that these unhelpful thinking patterns can be shifted with effort to more productive ones, and that people have different natural talents and strengths and it's okay to accept myself as who I am. It was almost a surprise to know that there is actually a way to be happier.

I would be interested if you could do a podcast or write an article about comparisons someday, if you have anything to share about this topic."

Sincerely,
- H

Oh yes, dear H, I do. I have quite a lot to share on this topic, actually.

In my day-to-day role as a therapist and life coach here at Growing Self, I talk to many, many people who express the same anxiety and heartache that you expressed in your letter. You would not believe how many gorgeous, healthy, blazingly intelligent, high achieving and objectively successful people feel the same way about themselves and their lives.

No matter what they do, they harbor gnawing anxiety that it's not enough. Their accomplishments are quickly disregarded in favor of the next amazing thing they should be doing. Their feelings about themselves rise and fall based on what others think of them. And when they do experience inevitable disappointments and setbacks, they are vulnerable to depression.

Not fun.

So on this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast I'm going to be tackling this subject. We're going to be talking all about the insidious emotional toll comparing yourself to others can take, and how to combat it by learning how to believe in yourself instead.

We'll be talking about how to affirm yourself, trust in yourself, strengthen yourself, develop your self awareness, plug holes in your vulnerabilities, and be empowered to create a life that is genuinely meaningful and satisfying to you.

Today's journey will begin by a little rock history lesson, featuring a band called Death.

xoxo, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

www.growingself.com

The research is IN: What doesn't kill you, actually will make you stronger.

Unfortunately, stories about the negative impact of trauma are the norm. We hear all about the terrible symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), like nightmares, intrusive thoughts, anxiety, and substance abuse problems. We hear scary statistics about suicide and impairment from returning veterans, or the consequences of childhood abuse in the news.

If that's all you heard about, it would be easy to think that there is a bleak future for people who live through difficult things.

But that is not actually the case.

In fact, what newer research is pointing to is a striking pattern of Post-Traumatic Growth in people who recover from trauma. While living through trauma is terrible, what also consistently happens is that the vast majority of those who recover identify their recovery work as resulting in overwhelmingly positive, meaningful, and powerful personal growth.

People on the other side of healing often describe feeling more grateful for small things, loving more deeply, and feeling that they have more depth and purpose in their lives. They feel that their relationships are more satisfying, and that they take more pleasure in life. Many also describe feeling that they are stronger, more compassionate, and more capable of love. Even more report having the belief that their lives transformed because of their trauma, creating beauty, strength, and meaning that they hadn't had before.

That doesn't sound terribly "broken," does it? No. Research supports the fact that people's lives don't end because of tragedy. More often, they are actually reborn. People are resilient, and courageous, and inspiring -- and the trajectory of their lives show it. They go on to write other chapters, have new experiences, and live and grow in ways that may not have been possible before.

Let's also not minimize how profoundly terrible trauma is. Before you've successfully recovered from a traumatic life experience, it can be debilitating. When you're sitting in the painful aftermath of a horrific life experiencing, and coping with the awfulness of it, it feels impossible to consider even feeling okay, much less good.

It might even be hard to hear that there is a time "after" this, and that there may be more hope, purpose, self awareness, compassion, strength, and unconditional love than you can even imagine now. Especially if, right now, your work is to give yourself permission to not be okay and to feel the dark feelings that need to be felt. That can be an important part of the healing process too.

Once again, on The Love, Happiness and Success Podcast, we'll be riding into the darkness together for the purpose of helping you find your way towards peace and healing. I want you to know that there is a path forward. You can move past the hurt, past the healing, and into growth. And I'm here to help.

We'll start by talking about trauma: How it happens, what it does to you, and how it's healed.

But wait, there's more.

No one's journey through recovering from trauma is the same. For some people healing happens through trauma-informed therapy. For others, self help or physical strategies ease the pain and open the door to healing. Yet others find peace through their work. For many, it's a combination of all of the above.

To talk about what Post-Traumatic Growth looks like in action, I've invited an incredibly inspiring special guest to join me for today's episode: stand up comedian Jo Kimbrell. Jo's own personal transformation was born out of trauma, and her journey of healing took her through yoga teacher training, writing, dream work, body work... and open-mike night in cigar bars.

Listen to Jo's story, hear her words of wisdom, and be inspired to bravely open the door to a new chapter for yourself, too.

Jo and I discuss many resources over the course of our conversation. Here are the links I promised to share with you:

Book: Dreams of Healing, by Kelly Bulkeley
Book: Trauma and Recovery, by Judith Herman
Assessment: The ACE Questionnaire
Laughter Fix! Jo Kimbrell's Comedy Night @ Finkel + Garf Taphouse in Boulder, CO

Hope all this helps you find your way forward, too.

xoxo, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

www.growingself.com

Feeling stuck? Here's How to Break Free...

Most people who want more out of life seek out counseling or coaching because they are not willing to settle. They want to make a positive change in their lives, their careers, in their relationships, or in themselves, but have run out of ideas. They have tried everything that they, personally, know how to do to improve the situation... and it hasn't worked. They feel stuck.

If you've been feeling this way lately, I want you to know that 1) you're not alone, and that 2) I'm going to help you with this. Like right now.

Here's the big secret to getting unstuck: Self awareness. What nobody realizes, before entering personal growth work, is that "the problem" they've been trying to fix is not actually what needs their attention. Focusing on the circumstance, or the situation, is not going to move the needle for you. The answer is not outside. It's inside. Only when you identify the unconscious, inner obstacles that have been getting in your way will you start to move meaningfully forward.

Until that happens, you'll spin. (And seethe. And beat yourself up. And get increasingly frustrated.)

As frustrating and uncomfortable as this stuck place is, can be it's really an amazing opportunity in disguise. Why? Because it's often feeling ABSOLUTELY FED UP WITH STUCK-NESS that launches people into the life-changing journey of growth and soul-expansion that would not have been possible otherwise.

Often, this journey carries people through places inside themselves that they'd never even imagined existed. As people move towards empowerment, towards designing their lives, and towards "creating change" they often discover that the path is one of growth. Of personal evolution. Of compassion. Of self actualization. Sometimes, even one of healing.

This is a beautiful experience and one I believe passionately that everyone deserves. So on this episode of The Love, Happiness and Success Podcast I'm actually going to give you a "Master Class" of the main ideas that all our counseling and coaching clients arrive upon, eventually: The path to creating change outside yourself starts from within. Only by uncovering the inner, hidden obstacles that have been holding you back will you be able to move forward and create meaningful and lasting change in your life, your career, your relationships... and in yourself.

Self awareness is the first step of personal transformation. Only when you understand yourself, and the unconscious obstacles you've been wrestling with, can you make the changes that will actually help you break free.

Step 1: Listen to the podcast to learn about the "four domains of stuck-ness" that people often get trapped by. See which resonates with you!

Step 2: Click here to take the "What's Holding You Back" quiz to find out which of these domains is the most powerful in your life.

Step 3: Then use your newfound self-awareness to take positive, and most importantly effective, action.

Step 4: Share your experiences in the comments on http://www.growingself.com/break-free/ We all learn and grow from our connections with each other, after all... (I'll even go first).

xo, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

http://www.growingself.com

Do you have issues with your parents?

If so, you're normal. As a therapist, family therapist, and life coach I know that many, if not most, people in their twenties, thirties, and forties are still working through different aspects of their relationships with their parents. This doesn't mean rehashing the past, but rather letting go of old baggage so that you can move forward into the life you design.

Though this work can be challenging, it can also be absolutely necessary for you to re-define your relationships with your family of origin as you grow into your happiest, healthiest, "best self." Understanding how you relate/d to your family can also be profoundly important to understanding how you relate to your spouse and children.

Sometimes, this work involves healing, and forgiving your parents for things that happened in the past. You may need to learn how to establish healthy adult relationships with your parents, as you create your own family. Or, you might need to set new boundaries with your parents, and release the responsibility and guilt your're carrying.

It's a lot, and for many this type of work can feel very "big" and overwhelming. So on this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast, I'm going to be talking you through some really common "parent problems" that adults face, and give you some tips for how to resolve them successfully. This episode might be helpful to you if you have:

1. Critical parents, judgmental parents or (shiver) narcissistic parents.
2. Intrusive parents, controlling parents, or generous parents who give gifts with strings attached.
3. Parents who are a mess, and emotionally or financially dependent on you.
4. Unfinished emotional business with parents who have disappointed you, or hurt you.

Yes, these are deep topics, but ones I know that so many of you can relate to. I hope that the advice I share here can help you to not just create healthier and happier relationships with your parents, but can launch you on your own empowering journey of healing and growth.

May peace be with you,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

www.growingself.com

Because You Don't Just Want to Get Married. You Want an Amazing Marriage.

As I've written about (passionately!) in previous posts, there are specific things that smart couples do -- right from the start of their relationship -- to set themselves up for a happy, healthy, successful marriages.

Step one? Relationship education. Regrettably, no one explicitly teaches you how to have good relationships. We all muddle through, learning from our mistakes, and breaking some things in the process. But your marriage is much to important to wander blindly through. The quality of your marriage is the center of the life you'll build. Don't take chances. Do it right. Believe it or not, there is actually an instruction manual!

What we know from research is that couples who engage in high-quality marriage education programs either before they get married or in the first few years of marriage have much better outcomes than couples who don't: Lower divorce rates, higher marital satisfaction, and a stronger partnership.

You can achieve this too, by investing in your relationship, and educating yourself.

Why does this help? Because proactive couples on a positive trajectory who learn ahead of time how to handle inevitable issues, how to communicate, and how to keep their love alive prevent relationship problems from happening in the first place.

If you are getting married this year (or even if you jumped the broom a few years ago) I am here today, to support YOU in creating an amazing, strong, enduring marriage by providing you with loads of free information. I want you to have everything you need to be happy and successful in your relationship for years to come!

Specifically, today, I have two "marriage education" presents for you.

The first: I have enlisted the support of one of our resident premarital counseling experts, Meagan Terry, M.A., LMFT. Meagan is a licensed marriage and family therapist, an emotional intelligence and communication coach, trained by the federal reserve to do financial counseling with couples, AND she teaches our Lifetime of Love Premarital and Relationship Class.

On this edition of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast Meagan will be SPILLING THE BEANS about the kinds of skills and strategies couples need to learn to create a lifetime of love together.

Listen to our interview and learn the kinds of things you and your sweetie can start doing now to ensure that your relationship stays strong. You'll also get some insight in to the skills and strategies she teaches her premarital couples to help them get on the same page around finances, sexuality, priorities, and more.

The second wedding present I have for you: We are co-hosting a super-fun happy hour event at our Denver office on Wednesday May the 10th called "Ask The Wedding Experts."

If you are planning a wedding, this is your big chance to mix and mingle in a casual setting with wedding professionals (like master wedding planner Laura Peterson of L Elizabeth Events) who are ready to share their wisdom around things like:

• How to pull off amazing wedding without breaking the bank, and stretch your wedding-budget dollars.
• "DIY dazzler or disaster?" - The projects that are worth (or not) the effort.
• Wedding day Do's & Don'ts to keep your special day running smoothly.
• Styling tips to help your day (and your photos) to reflect what is most authentic an beautiful about your love.
• And of course, Growing Self premarital counselors will be on hand to help with tricky family situations, communication tips, boundary setting, and more.

This event is FREE. If you'd like to attend in person, register now so we know to save some champagne for you.

And, because so many of our online premarital counseling clients are outside of Denver, you can still get the scoop. Email me with your questions, OR leave your questions as comments in this post.

I will ask our panel of wedding experts your questions on your behalf, and I will post their answers for you in an upcoming blog post. Get your questions to me by 5/9, and then stay tuned for the answers!

xoxo, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

What to do when your partner shuts down.

Are you trying to have a relationship with a partner who avoids, defends or worse... won't talk at all? Few things are as frustrating, or as hurtful. It's hard NOT to get upset and angry when you're feeling rejected, unloved, or uncared for. The problem is that many people who clam up as a defensive strategy when things get tense don't understand how destructive their behaviors can be to your relationship.

But there is help, and there is hope. Because these types of communication problems are so common, I thought it might be helpful to you if I put together a "Communication Problems" podcast-mini series.

"Communication Issues" are the single most common presenting issue that brings couples to marriage counseling. The first thing to know about communication problems: Absolutely ALL couples struggle to communicate with each other from time to time. Just because it's happening in your relationship does not spell doom. Truthfully, by making a few positive changes in the way you interact with each other, you can avoid many communication problems -- and start enjoying each other again.

In episode 1, "Communication Problems and How To Fix Them" we discussed the most important and empowering things you can remain mindful of if you want to improve the communication in your relationship: Systems theory, and your own empowerment to affect positive change.

In episode 2, "Dealing With an Angry Partner" we addressed the oh-so-common "pursue / withdraw" dynamic that so many couples can fall in to. This idea is at the core of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy -- one of the most well researched and scientifically supported approaches to couples counseling. (And what we practice here at Growing Self!)

Specifically in episode 2, we looked at this communication pattern from the perspective of the "withdrawer" (i.e. the person in the relationship who might be perceiving their "pursuing partner" as angry or even hostile. In that episode I gave you some tips to help get back into the ring with your partner, some insight into why they may be so angry, and things that you can do to help soothe their anger and bring the peace back into your home.

In the third and final episode of our "Communication Problems" series, "Dealing With a Withdrawn Partner" we'll be looking at this from the perspective of the partner who pursues -- the one who is attempting to engage with a partner who seems emotionally distant, avoidant, and unresponsive.

If you've been feeling frustrated or angry because your partner refuses to talk to you, this one is for you. In this episode I'm talking about what may be leading your partner to seem emotionally withdrawn, as well as things that you can do to help your partner come closer to you emotionally, and start opening up again.

We're discussing:

• The issues that may have nothing to do with you that are leading your partner to withdraw
• The biggest mistakes you can make when dealing with an avoidant-prone partner
• Strategies for dealing with your anger and / or anxiety if your partner is making you crazy
• Communication strategies to help make it easier for your partner to open up to you
• The paradoxical trick to making your partner feel more interested in coming towards you

I sincerely hope that this series helps you understand what may be happening at the root of your communication problems, as well as some real-world tips for things that can help you improve your relationship.

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

www.growingself.com

P.S. The Love, Happiness and Success Podcast -- like everything else I do here at Growing Self, is all about YOU: What you need, and what will help you improve your situation. If you have a question related to communication, relationships, or anything else, please get in touch. You can leave your comment below, or you can even record a voice message (button is top-right if you're on your laptop) I can respond to you in an upcoming episode of the podcast. Let me know what's on your mind! -- LMB

Are you always walking on eggshells around your emotional, irritable, powder-keg of a partner?

This is a difficult communication dynamic that brings many couples to the marriage counselor's office. If you're dealing with this relationship problem, you've probably become more careful and guarded around your partner over time. You love them, and want them to be happy, but it seems like you can never do anything right. Or, at least, not for long. Then something happens and they're mad at you again.

All you want is peace and harmony, but it can start to feel impossible when you're living with someone who seems to always be upset about something. If it's been going on for a while, you might feel increasingly helpless about how to make things better between you. Or, if this has been going on for a REALLY long time, you might have begun to think that your partner is just a cranky, overly emotional, possibly irrational, chronically unhappy person for whom nothing will ever be good enough. If that's the case, I'm very happy that you've found this podcast -- we have no time to waste!

First of all, you should know that having one partner in a relationship that "pursues" and one who "withdraws" is a very common communication dynamic, and one that experienced marriage counselors can help you with. Even though it feels so hard when you're going through this kind of communication problem, it is something that many couples resolve successfully. There is no reason why you can't do it too -- and when you do, your relationship can be stronger than ever before. But like all relationship problems, it is unlikely to resolve on its own. You need some knowledge and basic skills before it will get better.

And that's what we're going to work on today: In part two of our "Communication Problems, and How to Fix Them" mini-podcast series, we're going be talking about how to tame the tiger glaring at you from across the living room, and bring the peace back into your home. If you haven't already, please listen to the first podcast in this series (posted last week) to learn about some of the basic concepts that we'll be building on today. Then, we'll talk about:

1. Why your partner seems angry, irritable, critical, or hostile.
2. What this dynamic does to your relationship, and the damage it can do unless you take action to stop it.
3. What you can do to restore the emotional trust in your relationship, and start having conversations again -- instead of fights.

I sincerely hope that this communication advice helps the two of you, and makes it easier for you to talk to each other.

With love and respect,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

www.growingself.com

Ps. As I discuss in this podcast, while the ideas, tools and techniques I offer are very effective for helping resolve garden-variety communication problems there are situations in which it is not appropriate for you to try these out. For example, there is a big difference between "angry," and "abusive." If you are in a relationship where you or someone in your home is experiencing verbal, emotional, physical or sexual abuse you don't need a podcast -- you need professional help. Please visit my "emergency resources" page to get started in finding a competent mental health professional in your community. Xo, LMB

Are "Communication Issues" wrecking your relationship?

"We can't communicate with each other" is probably the number-one complaint of most couples coming in for marriage counseling or couples therapy. The underlying issue can be about anything: Parenting, sex, money, priorities. But the result is the same -- tense, frustrating moments for both of you. Many couples don't even remember what half the fights are even about, just that communicating with their partner feels impossible.

Communication problems in relationships make even the simplest moments feel difficult, and like a new fight is always simmering under the surface. Even the most banal question, like "what do you want to do for dinner?" can turn into a conflict when you're having a negative reaction to your partner's tone of voice, or the way they respond to you (or don't respond to you), or the assumptions they make, or the fact that there are unresolved hurts and resentments piling up between you.

Because communication difficulties are such a major problem for so many couples, and I've been getting SO many questions about it from podcast listeners, I've decided to help you solve this problem by creating a three-part podcast "mini-series" on the subject of how to improve the communication in your relationship.

In today's first episode I'll be introducing some main ideas that can help you understand why conflicts happen, and what YOU can do to improve communication in your relationship starting today.

Next week we'll be talking about how to handle things if you have a partner who seems angry, snappish, or emotionally reactive.

And then in the following episode we'll be talking about how to communicate with a partner who shuts down.

I sincerely hope that these ideas help you both find your way back together again.

xoxo, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

www.growingself.com

Ps. Do YOU have specific questions you'd like me to answer on an upcoming podcast? Record your question for me using the "voice recording" widget on this page, or leave a question in the comments! LMB

It is agonizing to be in a relationship with someone you love very much, but who has a serious -- and untreated -- problem. If your partner is struggling with something like depression, anxiety, alcoholism, drug addiction, pornography addiction, ADHD or PTSD it can wreak absolute havoc in your relationship, not to mention make you (both) miserable. If the problem has been going on for a long time, it may even make you question whether you should continue to support and help your partner... or whether it's time to cut your losses and end the relationship.

This topic has been on my mind lately, as I've recently had a number of listeners of my Love, Happiness and Success Podcast ask me these questions:

• How do I help my partner who is depressed (or anxious / ADHD / addicted to something) and refuses to get help?
• What are signs your partner will get their act together, and what are signs you should break up?
• How do I help my husband who is suffering from PTSD, and won't talk to anyone?
• How many chances should I give my alcoholic / addicted partner?
• I promised, "For better or for worse," but it wrong of me to bail on this marriage if my spouse is not holding up their end of the bargain?
• Is my boyfriend ever going to be cured of his pornography addiction?
• Should I feel guilty for ending this relationship, even if I feel like I need to save myself?

These are big, serious questions. But you, my dear listener, told me this is what is important to you... and I'm listening to you. We're going there on this episode of the Love, Happiness & Success Podcast. I hope that this discussion helps you find your way through this dark time, and back into clarity and inner peace.

All the best to you,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

P.S. Would YOU like to ask me a question? I always respond to comments. Or you can also record a voicemail for me (via the button on this page) and I may answer your question on the next podcast!!

Breakup Advice For The Most Common Breakup Questions

The only thing worse than going through a breakup or a divorce, in my opinion, is the mental and emotional fallout that comes after. Most people dealing with a split are consumed by unanswerable questions, replaying events in their minds, and trying to make sense of what happened. They also often worry about how they'll ever get over it... and when they'll stop feeling so terrible.

Since I do so much work around breakup recovery I often have people get in touch with me with questions, and for help in dealing with a bad breakup. But I recently had a listener of my Love, Happiness and Success Podcast get in touch with me in the most unique way. She had read my book, "Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to An Ex Love" but had some additional questions about how to get over some of the most common (and frankly, hardest) aspects of breakup recovery. But instead of just emailing she recorded her questions into the sweetest video, and shared it with me.

As I watched her ask her heartfelt questions it I thought of all the other people who were probably going through the exact same things. I got back in touch with her to see if it was okay to use her recording in an upcoming episode of the podcast so that my listeners (and YOU) could also benefit from hearing the answers. She was kind enough to let me share them, and today's podcast is the result.

So if you're also going through a breakup and also wondering...

• How do I let go of the guilt and regrets I have about this relationship?
• How do I repair my self esteem after being rejected?
• How do I deal with seeing my Ex's friends out?
• How do I cope with being "blindsided" by a break up?
• Will I ever feel hopeful and excited about finding a new love?

... you'll definitely want to tune into this episode of the Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

I hope our conversation helps you find your way towards growth and recovery too.

xoxo, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

www.growingself.com