English As She Is Wrote

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Showing Curious ways in which the English Language may be made to convey Ideas or obscure them." A collection of unintentionally humorous uses of the English language. Sections of the work: How she is wrote by the Inaccurate, By Advertisers and on Sign-boards, For Epitaphs, By Correspondents, By the Effusive, How she can be oddly wrote, and By the Untutored.

truck—N. B. bawl on friday nite—prayer meetin chuesday—also salme singing by the quire."

The following notice appeared on the fence of a vacant lot in Brooklyn: "All persons are forbidden to throw ashes on this lot under penalty of the law or any other garbage."

[Pg. 26]

A barber's sign in Buffalo, N.Y., has the following: "This is the place for physiognomical hair-cutting and ecstatic shaving and shampooing."

A San Francisco boot-black, of poetic aspirations, proclaims his superior skill in the following lines, pasted over the door of his establishment:

"No day was e'er so bright,
So black was never a night,
As will your boots be, if you get
Them blacked right in here, you bet!"

The following appears on a Welsh shoemaker's sign-board: "Pryce Dyas Coblar, dealer in Bacco Shag and Pig Tail Bacon and Ginarbread, Eggs laid by me, and very good Paradise in the summer, Gentlemen and Lady can have good Tae and Crumpets and Straw berry with a scim milk, because I can't get no cream. N. B. Shuse and Boots mended very well."

[Pg. 27]

An Irish inn exhibits the following in large type:

"Within this hive we're all alive,
With whiskey sweet as honey;
If you are dry, step in and try,
But don't forget your money."

An inn near London displays a board with the following inscription:

"Call—Softly,
Drink Moderately,

Grappig

Not worth your time. Too many better books of this ilk available; -- see Ambrose Bierce for instance.

Skip it.

English as She is Wrote

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