No fluff. No lies. Real talk about real sex.
Interested in supporting the show? Well, now you can! Just head to Patreon.com/sexgetsreal and you can pledge anything from $1 and up. I would ADORE the support. Plus, I'm running bi-weekly Sex is a Social Skill calls where we practice all sorts of skills and geek out over sex and relationships. Check out the details and join in the fun.
This week it's just you and me, working our way through some rad listener questions.
It starts with some listener love from an episode I did around the election last year. Sometimes I feel a little nervous to share political stuff - like the oppression episode and the abortion episode, but I trust you to hold space even if we disagree.
I will be having a vendor booth at the Vancouver Dyke March. YAY!
Of course, I got love for Amarna Miller's interview in Episode 168 and Ruby Bouie Johnson's polyamory chat on Episode 166. Gavin appreciated Amarna's views on ethical porn and her deliberate choice to share herself on film. Me, too!
It's so frustrating to me that we still need to constantly prove to the world that sex workers are people with agency and complex stories. But, I'm grateful it means I get to connect with amazing folks like Amarna and Andre Shakti and Kitty Stryker and Conner Habib...
Michelle wanted to know about the fat-friendly wedge pillow I mentioned a few years back. That was the Liberator wedge and I highly recommend it.
Jes wrote in with feelings she had about my Orgasmic Meditation episode. Let's make sure we all move into spaces that combine sex with other things like money or spirituality with an open mind and also a healthy dose of skepticism. Abuse is SO easy in these spaces because we're all moving through so much shame.
T.S. is struggling with a lot of anger and big feelings. Her friend's dad just cheated on her friend's mom and she doesn't understand why. How can she support her friend and her friend's mom and how can she process her feelings about it? Why do people cheat?
I have lots of thoughts, and explore so many of the reasons people might cheat and why it doesn't mean a lack of love, even if it does mean lots of pain and hurt.
Ethan gets aroused by screenprinting on t-shirts and clothing. He wonders is this a fetish that others have? Where can he learn more? It's not a fetish, per se, but he gets very turned on by the look and smell and even taste of screenprinted letters. I weigh in.
Zak needs help. His wife hates his cum and he wants her to love it. How can he get her to open up to the idea? Also, why doesn't she have any fantasies? I have big thoughts about "making" someone like anything. Instead, how can we create relationships full of openness, vulnerability, and curiosity, so that we can share our desires without feeling judged or like we have to force other people to change? Shout out to Wendy Strgar for developing fantasies.
Curious about signing up for my newsletter? Sign up here to get a kinky Yes No Maybe list or sign up here to get a 5-video course on desire and libido. I recent wrote about the politics of pleasure and how many of us are skeptical of pleasure. Someone wrote back something really beautiful that I want to share.
Miss B is worried about the age difference between her and her new partner. They're having AMAZING sex and they're in love, but will there come a time when the age becomes a problem?
Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram. About Dawn SerraI am the creator and host of the laughter-filled, no-holds-barred weekly podcast, Sex Gets Real. I lecture at colleges and universities on sex and relationships, too.
When I’m not speaking and teaching, I also work one-on-one with clients who need to get unstuck around their pleasure and desire.
But it’s not all work! In my downtime, I can often be found watching an episode of Masterchef Australia, cooking up something delicious, or adventuring with my sexy AF husband.
Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets RealCall or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)
Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)
Have you signed up for my Sex is a Social Skill group calls yet? It's a fun online group video chat every 2 weeks where we practice talking about sex, love, and life. Join in the fun and let's level up together. Learn more and enroll here. The next call is Friday, July 7th at 2:30pm Pacific/5:30pm Eastern.
Plus, Patreons who support at the $20 level and above get FREE access to the group calls.
Of course, you can support the show at any level from $1 and up and it means so much to me. Literally, every pledge sends me into an excited squeal of delight. patreon.com/sexgetsreal
As for this week's episode? Amarna Miller is here and we talk all about ethical porn and why it's different from feminist porn, why she feels so committed to doing mainstream pornography, polyamory, and Iceland.
Amarna also shares why she'd rather talk to a group of sexist men than to a group of like-minded feminists and what it's like to travel to places like Columbia and her home of Spain to talk about feminism and porn.
It's a fun, charming episode and I can't wait for you to hear it!
Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram. Resources discussed in this episodeErika Lust's films can all be found on EroticFilms.com where you can see Amarna, too!
About Amarna MillerAmarna Miller is a 26 year old porn actress, pro-sex activist and writer from Spain. She has a Youtube channel where she talks about pornography, ecology and traveling, among others. Her first book was published two years ago and she is currently working on the second one. Faithful defender of feminism and polyamory, Amarna is graduated in Fine Arts and loves antiques, cats and everything related to the 60s. She considers herself an adrenaline junkie, obsessed with being outside of her comfort zone. She lives in her van and saves time to conquer the world.
You can stay in touch with Amarna on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter @AmarnaMiller.
Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets RealCall or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)
Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)
Guess what?
I'm now hosting group calls every other week where we practice skills, dive deep into improving our relationships, learn how to talk about sex, and so much more. Join in the fun and let's level up together. Learn more and enroll here.
Plus, Patreons who support at the $20 level and above get FREE access to the group calls. You can support the show at any level from $1 and up and it means so much to me. Literally, every pledge sends me into an excited squeal of delight. patreon.com/sexgetsreal
Whew! Let's dive into this week's episode because Wendy Strgar is here from Good Clean Love. We're chatting all about her new book, "Sex That Works," and we also dive into keeping sexual passion alive in monogamy, cultivating sexual freedom and sexual responsibility, what love and healthy relationships look like, the importance of choosing a body-safe lube, and much much more.
Ready to go? Let's do it!
Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram. Resources discussed in this episode"Your Brain on Sex" by Stanley Siegel
About Wendy StrgarWendy Strgar is author of The New York Times-praised book, SEX THAT WORKS: An Intimate Guide to Awakening Your Erotic Life. She's also the founder and CEO of Good Clean Love, a pioneering organic intimacy product company, as well as a relationship expert. She has written for over ten years on the topics of love, sexual health, and positivity. For more information, visit wendystrgar.com and goodcleanlove.com.
You can also stay in touch on Twitter @wendystrgar and Facebook.
Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets RealCall or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)
Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)
Guess what?
I'm now hosting group calls every other week where we practice skills, dive deep into improving our relationships, learn how to talk about sex, and so much more. Join in the fun and let's level up together. Learn more and enroll here.
Plus, Patreons who support at the $20 level and above get FREE access to the group calls. You can support the show at any level from $1 and up and it means so much to me. Literally, every pledge sends me into an excited squeal of delight. patreon.com/sexgetsreal
On to this week's show with Ruby Bouie Johnson, the Black Sex Geek herself.
This is an episode entirely about polyamory. It's raw and funny, and so so real. This is a no-holds-barred chat about the good, the super bad, and the beautiful parts of poly communities.
Ruby talks about how polyamory healed her in deeply personal and liberating ways, but only after expressing some mindblowing thoughts about the sexism, ageism, racism, and oppressive BS that's so common in poly communities around the country.
Plus, she shares her thoughts on the folks who are constantly on the hunt for that perfect unicorn and why it's so exhausting as a poly educator to have to field these (typically offensive) requests.
It's juicy. It's ugly. It's hysterical. And it will give anyone in or considering a polyamorous dynamic a lot to think about.
My biggest take away? That inclusion is NOT a policy or a mission statement. It is a deliverable and it is VISIBLE. You can say you're inclusive all you want but unless you see that reflected in the people who actually participate and attend - unless you see POC and fat bodies and a variety of abilities and disabilities, it's all lip service.
Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram. Resources discussed in this episodeThe New York Times piece on non-monogamy that Ruby wrote about is here.
Ruby's response to the NYT piece, 'What the New York Times Neglected to See.'
About Ruby Bouie JohnsonRuby Bouie Johnson is a clinical social worker and sex therapist located in Plano, Texas. Ruby’s primary client base are folks who are kinky, in consensual nonmonogamous relationships, queer, lesbian, bisexual, and gay, and sexual challenges. She works with individuals, couples, triads, quads, and polycules with power dynamics within their relationships. Ruby has published in various journals and in the African American Encyclopedia on Criminology. Ruby has presented at Kinky Kollege, Consent Summit, Association of Black Sexologist and Clinicians, and will present at the upcoming American Association of Sexologists, Educators, Counselors, and Therapists Conference. Ruby Johnson is a contributor for HuffPo and Black and Poly Magazine. Ruby Johnson is on faculty for the Kink Knowledgeable Program. Mrs. Johnson serves on the board for the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom.
You can stay in touch with Ruby at blacksexgeek.net and on Facebook and Twitter @blacksexgeek.
Ruby is also the CEO, Founder, and organizer for PolyDallas Millennium LLC. The 3rd Annual Symposium is July 14-16 in Dallas Texas. You can learn more and register at www.polydallasmillennium.com and also check out the conference's Facebook and Twitter @polydallas2015
Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets RealCall or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)
Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)
Interested in supporting the show? Well, now you can! Just head to Patreon.com/sexgetsreal and you can pledge anything from $1 and up. I would ADORE the support.
This week it's just you and me, working our way through some rad listener questions.
Dave wrote in with one of the best complimentary emails I've ever received AND threw a few bucks my way on Patreon.
Lala just found out she has HPV. She's brand new to dating after divorce and spending many years focusing on her kids, and she wants to know - is her sex life over? Can she find romance and love and great sex if she has HPV? I have so many thoughts, including checking out Ella Dawson and Ashley Manta as rockin' folks to follow who have amazing sex lives while navigating the world with an STI.
Lovely J listens to the show with her honey. They can't remember the name of an author I recommended a while back (it was most likely Barbara Carrellas). Also, Lovely J is an inexperienced Dominant and her partner really wants her to dominate them. She's read some books, but how can she get some hands-on practice at being a dominant? My number 1 recommendation is Midori's Forte Femme weekend intensive.
It IS possible to be a very effective, very sexy Dominant without it looking like the standard trope of a Domme you see on TV or at kink events.
Jude is a white, middle-class woman who is new to learning about sex work. How can she learn more about why people choose sex work and what it's all about?
It's critical to turn to sex workers themselves for their stories, for the lived nuance. All my book recommendations to Jude are below in the resources area.
Frank wrote in needing help finding a way to get his wife to give him a blowjob. The advice will be disappointing, but it's the best I can offer when it comes to wanting something sexually from another human being. You have to be willing to talk about it - openly and without expectation or pressure.
Kacey wants to know how common it is for women to have hair on their faces, cleavage and chest. Hirsutism can be caused by loads of things, and it's relatively common. Plus, there are so many women who are unabashedly embracing their rad beards and body hair and still having amazing sex lives and finding love. The Go Ask Alice article I mention in the episode is linked down below.
Finally, K is having an issue with a butt plug. They can have anal sex just fine, but when you use an anal plug, it hurts on the out motion. What can they do? I have some thoughts. Yay butt stuff.
Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram. Resources discussed in this episode"Ecstasy is Necessary" by Barbara Carrellas
"Urban Tantra" by Barbara Carrellas
"Coming Out Like a Porn Star" by Jiz Lee
"$pread: The Best of the Magazine that Illuminated the Sex Industry and Started a Media Revolution" by Feminist Press
"Truth, Justice, and the American Whore" by Siouxsie Q
TheWhoresOfYore.com by Kate Lister
Go Ask Alice's response to a woman with a hair issue
Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets RealCall or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)
Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)
This week's episode is brought to you by Talkspace. Listeners get $30 off their first month of therapy with coupon code SGR, so check it out and spread the word to support the show.
It's not too late, either, to support the show on Patreon to hear the super juicy extended chat with Dylan from last week. Head to patreon.com/sexgetsreal and support at any level (even $1!) to hear alllllll the goodness.
Bridget Phetasy, Playboy's advice columnist on sex and relationships, is here to talk about her controversial article about orgasmic meditation.
We talk about cults, praying on people's sexual shame, boundaries, consent, and the importance of trusting those little feelings that tell you something isn't right even if you desperately want to ignore them.
Read Bridget's article over on Playboy to get the full scoop.
Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram. Resources discussed in this episodeBridget mentions the clit cult article, which is this piece by Refinery29.
About Bridget PhetasyWhen she’s not penning Playboy.com’s Sex & Dating Column or the Playboy Advisor, you can usually find Bridget interviewing people on her podcast Benched. Once she was dared to do stand-up comedy. It is now her primary reason for getting out of bed. In her free time Bridget wrangles two insane puppies and is working on her humorous self-help book, Seducing Men Is Like Hunting Cows.
You can follow Bridget on Twitter @bridgetphetasy and on Facebook, too. Her new podcast, Benched, is on Twitter, too, @benchedpodcast.
Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets RealCall or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)
Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)
This week's episode is brought to you by Talkspace. Listeners get $30 off their first month of therapy with coupon code SGR, so check it out and spread the word to support the show.
It's HERE! My recent chat with Dylan. Patreon supporters get a bonus extended version of the episode, to pop over to patreon.com/sexgetsreal and support at any level (even $1!) to hear alllllll the goodness.
So what has Dylan been up to? What's changed in her life? BIG THINGS, but only Patreon supporters will hear the juiciest of juicy details.
Dawn talks about moving to Vancouver and watching the latest Four Chambers porn by Vex Ashley while having house guests.
Then we field listener questions on nun and priest fetishes, how to eat pussy like a champ (again), and we rage over stealthing - because it's just not OK ever. You can hear round one of Dylan's oral sex tips way back on episode 5, but this is the new updated version after Dylan's latest adventures in pussy eating. Also, yay for the smell of pussy.
Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram. About Dawn SerraSex is a social skill. I speak it. I write it. I teach it. I help you learn how to develop it.
I am the creator and host of the laughter-filled, no-holds-barred weekly podcast, Sex Gets Real. I lecture at colleges and universities on sex and relationships, too.
When I'm not speaking and teaching, I also work one-on-one with clients who need to get unstuck around their pleasure and desire.
But it's not all work! In my downtime, I can often be found watching an episode of Masterchef Australia, cooking up something delicious, or adventuring with my sexy AF husband.
Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets RealCall or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)
Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)
This week's episode is brought to you by Talkspace. Listeners get $30 off their first month of therapy with coupon code SGR, so check it out and spread the word to support the show.
This week's episode is very special to me. I want to thank all of the brave souls who responded to my call for abortion stories. To read their powerful words, visit sexgetsreal.com/ep162. In fact, start there before you dive into this chat with Carol Sanger about her new book, "About Abortion: Terminating Pregnancy in 21st Century America".
Abortion can be a ridiculously charged topic in the United States, which is unique among countries with legal abortion. Carol's book is a fascinating and dare I say fun look into the legislation, the imagery, how technology has impacted the conversation, and more than anything focuses on what happens when people in marginalized positions are forced to choose secrecy over privacy.
We tie abortion to sex work, kink, polyamory, HIV/AIDS, and of course, to the larger oppressive systems at play in our society like patriarchy and gender role bullshit.
Despite the heaviness of abortion, this talk with Carol is delightful - there's intimate moments and several genuine laughs as we dive into all of the terrific research Carol has done and why it's more important than ever that we share our stories.
If abortion is a hot topic for you, I invite you to listen and to be patient. The stories, more than anything, are critical for us all to hear and absorb.
Don't forget, Patreon supporters get exclusive access to rad content and extended episodes (including my recent chat with Dylan that goes up at the end of May!) Pop over to patreon.com/sexgetsreal and support at any level (even $1!) to join in the fun.
Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram. Resources mentioned in this episodeCarol mentioned a paper called, "I Would Like to Give My Baby, Like, Everything In the World," which talks about women aborting to protect their children. While this is an academic paper that is not publicly accessible, Slate wrote about the paper here.
Lindy West and Amelia Bonow started #ShoutYourAbortion and ShoutYourAbortion.com to share abortion stories.
The Rewire book review by Katie Klabusich that Carol mentions in the episode. Check it out here.
About Carol SangerCarol Sanger is the Barbara Aronstein Black Professor of Law at Columbia Law School. She teaches courses on contracts, family law, and others focusing on reproduction, the legal profession, and law and gender. Her recent book About Abortion (Harvard University Press) is centered on the regulation of abortion.
You can follow Carol on Twitter @carolsangernyc
Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets RealCall or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)
Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous
Patreon supporters get exclusive access to rad content and extended episodes (including my recent chat with Dylan that goes up at the end of May!) Pop over to patreon.com/sexgetsreal and support at any level (even $1!) to join in the fun.
I am constantly on the lookout for people who are doing amazing, inspiring, fun things in the world of sex and relationships. So, you just know I had to reach out to Feminist Press when I saw they were publishing a children's book with the title, "Tell Me About Sex, Grandma."
And what better time to celebrate kids and parenting and sex and divorce and healing than Mother's Day?
Anastasia Higginbotham is the author of a series of books called Ordinary Terrible Things aimed at helping kids to understand and find words for things like sex, divorce, death, racism, and queerness. Anastasia's books are about centering kids' wisdom and giving them space to have a full range of feelings and permission to be who they are.
But the magic of these books is also in their healing power for grown-ups. If you were raped or molested, "Tell Me About Sex, Grandma" will offer a balm to your young self about what happened. If your parents split when you were young, "Divorce is the Worst" gives you permission to sit in those big feelings you may have tried to hide years ago.
This is the kind of stuff that overturns patriarchy and helps young people realize that they actually hold a tremendous amount of wisdom and power.
Also, at the end of this week's episode is a sneak peek of next week's incredible episode on abortion. Please do stay tuned.
Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram. Resources discussed in this episodeYou can pre-order "Tell Me About Sex, Grandma" and purchase "Death is Stupid" and "Divorce is the Worst" from Feminist Press, and you know I love supporting feminist, independent sources, so please do buy from them over Amazon or a big box retailer.
About Anastasia HigginbothamAnastasia Higginbotham is a writer and artist who created the children’s book series Ordinary Terrible Things, published by the Feminist Press. The series includes Divorce Is the Worst (2015), Death Is Stupid (2016), and Tell Me About Sex, Grandma (2017). It’s been embraced by children and adults for empowering and trusting kids as the authority on their own lives. Higginbotham makes the books in collage on brown grocery bag paper with clippings from magazines and catalogs, and bits of fabric and jewelry that have special meaning.
Higginbotham’s series is informed by more than 20 years as a speechwriter for New York City nonprofits that combat all kinds of injustice. For 10 years, Higginbotham taught full impact self-defense to kids and adults with Prepare Inc., coaching students ages 6 and up to breathe, talk, and fight their way through confrontation and attack scenarios. Her essays have appeared in Huffington Post, Ms., Bitch, The Sun, Women’s Media Center, and The Women’s Review of Books. She’s featured in the anthologies, Listen Up: Voices from the Next Feminist Generation, 30 Things Every Girl Should Know About Women’s History, and Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power and a World Without Rape. She is a 2015 Hedgebrook Fellow.
You can stay in touch with Anastasia on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter @ahigginbooks.
Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets RealCall or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)
Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)
This week's episode is brought to you by Talkspace. And listeners get $30 off their first month of therapy with coupon code SGR, so check it out and spread the word to support the show.
Patreon supporters! Dylan and I recorded a special episode just for you. Pop over to patreon.com/sexgetsreal and support at any level to get access when it's released in a few weeks.
Andre Shakti is BACK! She has a new project called I Am Poly and So Can You, and we go deep into non-monogamy and polyamory this week after geeking out over Erotic Film School.
When did Andre figure out she was non-monogamous, what advice does she wishes existed when she was a teenager, and what do you do if you cheated on your wife and now she wants to cheat on you?
Well, we talk about allllll of that and more this week. Andre has stellar advice for a couple who are wanting to try a threesome for the first time, and we also get a charming email from R who is in a loving triad but who needs more sex.
Poly pressure to have sex is real and Andre explores why sometimes it's OK to step off the sex train if everything else in your life feels great.
Don't forget to send in your sex confessions about May's theme of FOOD! I created a guidelines page for you.
Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram. Resources mentioned in this episode"I Love You, But I Don't Trust You: The Complete Guide to Restoring Trust in Your Relationship" by Mira Krishenbaum - Andre recommend this for working through trust issues in a relationship.
About Andre ShaktiAndre Shakti is a journalist, educator, performer, activist, and professional slut living in the San Francisco Bay Area. She is devoted to normalizing alternative desires, de-stigmatizing sex workers and their clients, and not taking herself too seriously. Andre wrestles mediocre white men into submission and writes about sex work, queerness and non-monogamy for Cosmopolitan, Rewire, Thrillist, MEL, Vice, Autostraddle, and more. She can frequently be found marathoning Law & Order: SVU under a chaotic pile of partners and pitbulls, and yes, she knows how problematic that show is. Andre is the reigning "polyamory pundit" at her non-monogamy advice column, "I Am Poly & So Can You!", which you can visit - and submit questions to! - via IAmPoly.net. Visit her on Twitter @andreshakti, on FB as "Andre Shakti", and as a pleasure professional on the new inclusive educational platform O.School.
Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets RealCall or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)
